Why I am building Inner Work?

The Pain

My journey started almost 4 years ago. My son was almost old enough to start kindergarten. My marriage was under stress and I was struggling for some time between two poles - feeling behind in my professional life, because I was tired more than usual (my son was never a sleeper), had less time to work or learn new things - time with my family was really important for me. However at the same time, I was not as present as I wanted to be with my son, because I felt bad about not being the professional I used to be.

Since I took my father role very seriously (fatherhood deserves it's own post), I have turned to the one source of knowledge I knew most at the time - books. I have read a lot and I knew quite well how I should behave. I was quite good at performing that role while rested or at least in decent shape. However, even though I was very good at hiding my emotions, I couldn't perform this calm father role once I was under enough stress. The most shocking fact to me was that I knew everything I needed, but couldn't perform the role - it was just a persona. The feeling was that something took me over - a complex. That's when I knew that I need to do something with this - I knew that I need to work on myself.

The Shadow

Now looking back, this was the time when my shadow started to show itself. I was 37 - prime time for the midlife passage, to start looking inside. The pain I felt for not being able to be father I wanted, for my marriage crumbling pushed me to seek help in therapy - something I had never considered before. I wasn't hooked instantly, but doubling down — twice a week sessions — gave my mind enough space to pull the knot in my head out. I also used the other tool I had - books. Somewhere along the way I came across Jung and Shadow and the quote that stayed with me since then is this:

"The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate." — C.G. Jung

I really did feel like fate was dictating some of the most important decisions of my life and I understood that I need to double down on the part that is scary and uncomfortable - on the part that I pushed aside. My Shadow.

The Tension

Even now, after few years on this individuation journey, I feel tension to combine my outer and inner life. My vocation with my calling. I work in technology, with data, machine learning, software. It is a far cry from the inner work - psychological dynamics, shadow work, myths. I feel the tension as I write. While I work my interest in depth psychology seems too "soft", while working on InnerWork I feel like an imposter that shouldn't be contributing to the inner of others.

Why InnerWork?

So why I decided this is worth doing? Because inner work is probably one of the most important things I will ever do. If for nothing else, for being a better parent to my son. A better partner for my life partner. A better brother and son to my family. The inner work can be done in many different ways, however one of the most obvious is dream work. If we pay attention to these messages from the unconcious, it will tell us where our shadow is and what to do with it. By bringing inner work to the current day I am trying to merge two worlds - data and analytics of 21st century with myths and depth psychology of 20th century. In a way this feels like the middle way - holding tension of two opposites.

Fellow Traveler

I am not claiming that I am an authority on Jung. Or Dream work. I am a fellow traveler with a real desire to help a people on their journey to Self. I still go to therapy, I do the work in other ways, but this is the helper / mirror I wish had existed.